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Teen Titans
Attention: This a fanfiction and part of my Reimu Series. We see the door to the filming room. Just then, Reimu steps out. She also epically looks onward to the fake audience cheering for her as an epic choir sings. Reimu then walks through the right archway. Tamara Chambers (VO) (as crowd member): Uh, does she know the TV's the other way? Reimu returns, as the choir and cheering resumes, then sits on her sofa. Reimu: Hello! I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't! Seeing how we're in the middle of our DC Marathon, I thought it'd be a good time to look at a show that's nostalgic to others, but not really for me. Teen Titans intro plays Reimu (voiceover): Teen Titans was based on the superhero team of the same name and aired on Cartoon Network from 2003 to 2006. This show's incarnation of the Titans was based on The New Teen Titans comic, which was actually the most popular comic book series in the 80s. The team's led by Robin and consist of Raven, who seriously needs an anti-depressant; Starfire, who needs to take at least a beginner course in grammar; Beast Boy, who I always called "Beast Bitch," because I didn't know if he was even a boy or not and "Beast Babe" wouldn't sound right on daytime Cartoon Network... or the Gensokyian public television station the show aired on here; and Cyborg. Reimu: (Pause) Cyborg is freaking hot. I specifically chose to review this show today to admit I have a crush on him. Never in my life had I thought a black person could be hot until I first saw Cyborg in a Justice League comic during the '90s. HOWEVER. Here, he isn't hot. They shaved his hair for no particular reason, and from what I remember, he sounds like the most stereotypical Chris Tucker, Tracy Morgan like black guy. That ISN'T sexy. Reimu (voiceover): The show is a classic among DC fans though, even if I rarely watched it. With that said, let's watch the one episode I saw of it I can remember well, "Crash." The episode begins Beast Boy: Come on, come on, yes! By simply turning off all those security systems and connecting to an underground server in eastern Zandia... Reimu (voiceover): Is that like Gensokyo? Beast Boy: ...I, Beast Boy, have successfully gotten my hands on an advanced copy of the hottest new video game... Reimu: Touhou? Please tell me it's- Beast Boy: Mega Monkeys 4! Reimu: Mega... Monkeys... 4. (shrugs) What the fuck kinda game is that? Is it, like, (footage of) Mega Man 4 but with monkeys? Beast Boy runs past Robin and Starfire Starfire: And then... Beast Boy runs into the main room and attempts to play the game Beast Boy: Look out monkeys, here I come! But the disc falls out of the player as a "wah-wah" sound (dubbed by Reimu) plays, text "With apologies to the Nostalgia Critic" flashes at the bottom for a second Reimu (voiceover): Wait, you didn't even put it in correctly! Beast Boy: Game Station must have not enough horsepower. Reimu (voiceover): Or maybe the game wasn't made for it. Touhou can't run on Mac. But I digress. (like the PlayStation lady) Game Station! Beast Boy: But I bet the Titan mainframe does. Beast Boy runs past Raven; he puts the game in the computer, doesn't work. Cue the wah-wah sound again Reimu (voiceover): Beast Boy can't find a computer that can play the game. As a last resort, he heads to... Beast Boy heads to a door labelled "Cyborg," cut to Reimu rubbing her palms together Reimu: Oh, boy. Beast Boy enters the room Beast Boy: If Cyborg's computer can't run it, nothing can. Reimu (voiceover): If Cyborg can't make a woman jizz herself, nothing can. He puts the game into Cyborg's computer. It turns on for a few seconds Beast Boy: Sweet! But it stops and the computer short-circuits. Beast Boy: Not sweet. Wah wah wah~ Reimu: Oh, great. Ya blew up the wah-wah machine! Beast Boy's in a panic trying to get the computer to stop sparking. Beast Boy: Better move before I... Cyborg walks in and Beast Boy screams Francine from American Dad (dubbed over Beast Boy): He's here! He's gonna kill us all! Reimu (voiceover): With his sex appeal. But like I said, he's got no hair, and he sounds like a stereotypical comedic- Cyborg: (dryly) It's my room. (bends over with impossible flexibility) What're you doin' here? Reimu: ...black... guy... Reimu points her left finger in a manner that suggests she is getting aroused Reimu: I have a confused boner. How he said that... can I hear it again? The scene plays again, much to Reimu's joy. Reimu: I thought he sounded like a stereotypical black guy... but now he sounds hot... hmmmmm... he sounds like a hot black guy... which he IS... Cyborg walks over to his computer desk, clearly exposing his backside to us. Cyborg: You been messin' with my computer? Reimu's "confused boner" gets stronger Reimu: (confused and flabbergasted) ...uh, um, eh... ayy... again? The scene repeats, while Reimu is gushing over Cyborg's existence Reimu (voiceover): ...mmmmmmm... look at that ass, those LEGS... whaaaah... wao... hnnnnng! Reimu: (Pause) (in an imitation of Toby Jones) Better come down here and get some of this shit! Back to the episode Beast Boy: Me? No! Uh, that's your computer? Then what's this? Cyborg: (angry for no reason, this is lampshaded by the caption "Why's he so angry?") My system recharger. And speakin' of, I could use a little juice. Shot of Reimu pouring Juicy Juice all over herself, then back to episode Reimu (voiceover): Beast Boy tries to tell Cyborg he accidentally gave it a virus, but it's too late. Cyborg: (agonized, drawn-out) VIIIIIRUS!! The scene is synced to the gay screaming cowboys in the "Big Enough" video before returning to Reimu Reimu: And now Cyborg has a virus. (wah-wah plays, she then has her head down, speechless to say anything) This better be good, or else... The intro plays, in Japanese Puffy AmiYumi: Kyou mo koutsu ruru wo mamoru yo! Teen Titans! Suki-kirai naku nan demo taberu yo! Teen Titans! Reimu (voiceover): Episodes that were serious had the theme song sung in English; the Japanese version was only sung in comedic episodes like this one, with the exception of "Winner Take All," "Deep Six," and "Nevermore." The Japanese version was sung in English in Trouble in Tokyo. Footage from that Cyborg: ("singing"; more like "screaming musically") Holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler, holler my name! TEEN TITANS! Half of your troubles will be gone! TEEN TITANS! The footage is intercut with Reimu making different WTF faces every second, cut back to footage, cut to Reimu making more faces, cut back to footage Reimu: (apparently liking it after the fact and taking the lyrics literally) CYBORG! ...that didn't work, did it? (shrugs) Oh, well. (Wah-wah plays again, as the Wawa supermarket logo appears for a second) Back to the episode Robin: What's going on? Reimu inserts Bill Wurtz's "Got to Know What's Going On" over the scene Bill Wurtz: (singing) And we've got to know what's going on... Original episode audio Cyborg: Oh I'll tell ya what's goin' on... Reimu (voiceover): He doesn't sound as... Cyborg: This is the best peanut griddle I've ever tasted. Reimu FACEPALM Reimu: Wh-what you doing there? Are you? You sound like the guy from Jones' BBQ and Foot Massage. Footage from that video, which Reimu was quoting earlier Toby Jones: Hell, this's a dinosaur! Back to the episode Beast Boy: He's just excited. I got an advanced copy of Mega Monkeys 4. Reimu (voiceover): Shut up and tell the truth; you did this! Starfire: My stew grund mix which made you physically sick? Ignoring the visuals, and only hearing Starfire's dialogue, Reimu puts her head down in dismay as she is aroused by the thought of Cyborg being physically sick Reimu: Y'know, I'd rather see THAT than... Raven: Seriously weird. Reimu: THANK YOU. Cyborg: I like yams! Reimu begins to cry at the sight of this Reimu: ...why did I choose this episode? (Pause) Ohhhh... I know why, but I don't exactly remember it... Beast Boy: Or it could be just gas. Reimu (voiceover): Cyborg would be complaining his stomach hurt and lock himself in the bathroom if it were gas. Cyborg, tied up (strangely Reimu doesn't seem to say anything about it, though that's because he's a weirdo right now) by the Titans, is still freaking out. Cyborg: OH! Y'know what'd be fun? Let's go out for WAFFLES!! RAVEN, you like WAFFLES, don't ya? Raven: ...more than life itself. Reimu (voiceover): A lot of people claim this episode to be one of the funniest, but they don't seem to realize that Cyborg has a computer virus that could be possibly fatal to him or his allies, sent by BROTHER BLOOD, no less (text appears here saying "Beast Boy got the game from eastern Zandia; Brother Blood comes from Zandia."), all because Beast Boy can't control his urges to play his stupid video games! (Pause) Well that last part did give us... Reimu: you know. winks We see a silhouette of Raven opening her hood to reveal a monster of some sorts, traumatizing Gizmo to the point of agreeing to work with the Titans Reimu (voiceover): So they get this Chinese chick with cancer named Gizmo to work with them and Raven intimidates her into doing it. Gizmo: Ewww, your brain is thrashed! What kind of sludge-sniffing idiot gets infected with the Endzone virus? Reimu: You calling my husbando an idiot? Bitch please. Gizmo: I gotta shrink down, go in, and hit the virus where it lives. Reimu half smiles, back to episode. Reimu (voiceover): So the rest of the Titans help Gizmo and Beast Boy carry out their procedure; the two are shrunk and injected into Cyborg's body, with a little technical difficulties on the side. Cyborg runs through a wall Cyborg: YEAH! Reimu (voiceover): (as Kool-Aid logo appears on the top right corner of the screen) Oh, yeah! Family Guy footage, where the Kool-Aid Man breaks Kool-Aid Man: You guys did this! You guys did this! You guys fucking did this! Back to episode, where Robin, seeing Cyborg run away, tries to contact Gizmo Robin: Are you inside Cyborg, Gizmo? Gizmo: Oh I'm inside him, all right. But I'm not in his brain! I'M IN HIS BUTT! And indeed the two kids are inside Reimu's husbando's posterior. Reimu tries to think of something to say Reimu (voiceover): Only I get to penetrate his ass. Cut to Reimu with a crowd booing at her Reimu: What, something I said? The rest of the Titans give chase through the broken wall as they see Cyborg leaving Reimu (voiceover): Then the rest of the team finally realizes Cyborg is gone, and they go after him in the city and try to prevent shit from happening. Yeah, yeah. It was getting interesting up to this point. I don't want to see my babymaking, black machine hybrid do pot and Lysergic Acid at the same time. Reimu: ElseElseElseElseElseElsElsElsLSD! (Reading Rainbow stinger plays) Gizmo: (while talking to Robin) ...tin-can can... Reimu: Get yourself together, show. You teased me by making Cyborg sound confusingly hot when he first appeared in this episode. Then you gave him LSD. (Pause) But if this's what the inside of his ass really looks like, then I'm aroused. Heavily. Robin, Raven, and Starfire confront Cyborg at an intersection Starfire: You remember who we are, right? That fails, as Cyborg thinks they are edible and goes to eat them; Reimu puts her head down in shame. We see Cyborg yelling at an ATM. Cyborg: Y'can keep yo' sprinkles... The ATM sweatdrops. Reimu (voiceover): Even the ATM is scared! (as the ATM) I don't wanna lose my dong... Reimu: Shoulda picked a different- I GOTTA! I GOTTA! I GOTTA! I GOTTA! Meanwhile, Gizmo and Beast Boy are still inside Cyborg's body Gizmo: Rassing frassing Titans! SpongeBob footage Swordfish: Crashing frashing breakdancers! (LOUD HORN BLARE) Back to episode Gizmo: Fix this guy? I don't even like this guy! Reimu: I do. Beast Boy finally reveals himself, as a bacterium Beast Boy: My friend's the one in trouble, so I'm here whether you like it or not. Reimu (voiceover): OHHHHHHHHH! NOW I KNOW WHY I PICKED THIS EPISODE! I COMPLETELY DO! They're inside Cyborg; I get to see the inside of my husbando. Footage of the inside of Cyborg is shown Reimu (voiceover): Look at this, look at this! Sweet Byakuren. ...But, sadly, it's just a series of blue tubes with black stripes for the most part. Reimu: Seriously! They had like, no other ideas for what the rest of Cyborg's body looked like and decided to reuse the same rejected Invader Zim cel they found in the trash while they were raiding Nickelodeon. ...How do we know where Cyborg's lungs are? Does his reproductive system look like this? (Pause) Well, if this what his insides are like, I just wonder if they're gooey... A montage of the Titans chasing after Cyborg and Beast Boy and Gizmo being inside his body plays out; Reimu seems turned on by seeing the inside of her husbando since the '90s, so she dubs "Maple Wise" from Mystic Square over those scenes Beast Boy: What are those? Gizmo: White blood cells; Cyborg's human immune system thinks we're the virus. Reimu (voiceover): Hahahahaha, yeah, very funny. I betcha a small green bacterium and his bald girlfriend wouldn't make people act like they were high as fuck. In the Real World, a little girl is crying, as her lollipop was eaten by a high as fuck Cyborg. Reimu gets mad. Reimu (voiceover): SEE WHAT I MEAN? Back in where the arousal happens, viral drones that look like a certain Digimon appear; Reimu lampshades the resemblance by briefly showing an image of said Digimon Beast Boy: They're gonna eat us! Reimu (voiceover): Relax, that's just a Bannette horde. Besides, you're going in there with enough firepower. You better bring your best Pokemon. Back in the Real World Reimu (voiceover): Meanwhile, the birds (Robin and Raven) and Starfire still haven't caught Cyborg and sedated him so the inside job can be done safely. It turns out the virus can spread to any electronic device, and Cyborg is currently headed to the radio tower. And he wants to eat it... Reimu: I currently have mixed feelings about this episode. (a mouse appears and opens porn) LET ME FINISH THE REVIEW. A fight scene starts! Reimu cheers up when Raven starts attacking, and immediately forgets about her bad mood Reimu: Yay, Raven! I love her! AZARATH METRION ZINTHOS! Starfire attacks Reimu (voiceover): Go, Starfire! She realizes they're attacking Cyborg Reimu (voiceover): Knock some sense into him! Gizmo and Beast Boy reach Cyborg's brain Reimu (voiceover): So Gizmo and Beast Boy finally get to the brain, the only part of Cyborg's body that does not look like somebody sprayed squid ink in an aquarium, and they encounter the Endzone virus that's addling Cyborg. And making him not hot. Endzone virus: Threat level, minor. Deletion imminent. Reimu: (imitating Endzone virus) I'm so bored. Zoom in on the way the virus grasps Cyborg's brain Reimu (voiceover): Look! He's hugging it. Does he love Cyborg as much as I do? Evidently not. Reimu: And by the way, that bored as fuck monotone voice you hear coming from the virus? Apparently, it's provided by the same guy who voices Cyborg. Endzone virus targets Beast Boy and lists all his flaws Endzone virus: Mathematical aptitude, zero. Reimu: That does not sound black to me at all. Reimu (voiceover): Honestly, the way it's acting; you would think this virus made Cyborg become evil. But noooo! Cyborg's on LSD and thinks he's in Pac-Man thanks to what SHOULD'VE made him a stuck-up, annoying prick obsessed with order and rectifying people's flaws! Beast Boy makes copies of himself, surrounds the Endzone virus Reimu (voiceover): So Beast Boy makes... (intercut with SpongeBob footage) a million of him... The Endzone virus explodes Reimu (voiceover): ...the thing explodes... Beast Boy and his copies laugh as the virus dies. Reimu (voiceover): (as Endzone virus) THERE IS ONLY... ONE... BEAST BOY-BOY-BOY... Gizmo and Beast Boy press the button to destroy the virus and Gizmo floats in a life tube with Beast Boy through Cyborg's nose Reimu (voiceover): ...and they get out. Gizmo screams as the two of them float down through the nose. Cut to Cyborg coming to with Raven, Starfire, and Robin looking on Cyborg: What happened? Aw, my stomach... (Reimu beams in delight at the second line, but when she thinks Cyborg sounds like the "standard black guy," she stops, but suddenly beams in delight again as she found the rise in intonation hot after the fact.) Feels like I ate a tire. (Then he burps and Reimu gets angry.) Raven: That's a distinct possibility. Cyborg: Something musta overloaded my systems and triggered an automatic reboot; after that, virus protection came back online. Reimu: Ohhhhh, because Beast Boy turned off all the security systems to get his stupid Mega Man ROM hack at the beginning of the episode. Reimu (voiceover): And how does he know all this? I don't know. He KNEW he got a virus at the beginning of the episode. But he couldn't be possibly aware of what was going on during Acid Buffet Funtime. Cyborg: Whatever got into me, it's out. (He feels the inside of his nose itch, so he wipes his nose on his arm; green mucus is on his arm afterwards, Reimu is excited by what he just did) Reimu blinks, her smile frozen Reimu: (Pause) Ha-hey! (The jingle that plays when you win a level in Puyo Puyo plays) Robin: Beast Boy, he did it! Cyborg regards the green stain on his arm with sudden disgust Cyborg: Aw man, that better not be who I think it is. Reimu's moment of rapture is ruined by that and she gets angry. For a moment. Reimu: (Pause) Wait a moment, if that line wasn't about goddamn Beast Bitch, and Cyborg knew that was his arm, that previous scene'd actually be pretty sexy as hell. The episode shifts to the Titan Tower at night. Beast Boy: Then we waded through all this black goop to get inside your brain, and that's when we saw the viral core; it was a huge, squirming... Cyborg: Whoa, I appreciate what y'did for me, but dude, please! It's hard enough knowin' you were runnin' around in there, but do I hafta know what else was in there? Reimu: I like how you said "dude, please." The scene replays itself for her Cyborg: Dude, please! Reimu giggles cutely like a schoolgirl Reimu: (muttering) Sad he doesn't accept people going inside his body... Wonder how he feels during sex... Robin: I have to hand it to you, Beast Boy. What you did was... Raven: Pretty clever. For you. Beast Boy: I may not be smart enough to do anything, but I'm dumb enough to try anything. Reimu (voiceover): Well it was dumb enough to work... and to get me killed! With arousal. Starfire: ...what became of Gizmo? Reimu: A singing calculator? And Gizmo's swimming in Cyborg's snot, trying to get away from the viral drones in there. Scene pauses for a brief second during this to lampshade that Gizmo looks like a squid right then and there Reimu (voiceover): Look, a squid. (Scene resumes) Gizmo: Rassing frassing Titan! Crud! Reimu realizes who the mucus belongs to Reimu: Cyborg's snot. Kushi india? We see this scene again, as Reimu narrates over it. Reimu (voiceover): Congratulations, Baldi, you've just experienced what it's like to be inside a black guy's snot. Reimu: (as the words appear below her) FET-ISH SH-OW. I mean, come ON, that's obviously a fetish; how can that NOT be a fetish? Whoever wrote this episode has problems... The episode ends Reimu: (blinks silently) That was it. That was it. That's the only episode I've seen and... (Pause) It was good! It was good! I liked it! I liked seeing the inside of Cyborg, HIS INSIDES ARE AS HOT AS HE IS! And that ending, as strange as it was, I admit is hot solely because we know what the inside of Cyborg's snot looks like. Hopefully nobody had the revelation Cyborg is effing hot as a flame spreading through that part, though. But there really is one problem. Did they have to make Cyborg act like he was on drugs the entire time? Footage while Reimu speaks Reimu (voiceover): If they had made him become evil or something, I would truly really love this episode. He might've sounded as sexy as he sounded at the beginning. I might've exploded. Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here? You been messin' with my computer? Reimu: But they didn't. And I'm sad. (starts to cry) Wait- I can fix this. I can write my own version, I can try and get the production team to... OH, WHATEVER. I'm just a miko, I'm a destitute, I don't work for WB Animation, and nobody there accepts unsolicited material. "Plastic Love" by Mariya Takeuchi starts playing Reimu: I guess I was mistaken about the voice of Cyborg in this show though; it is hot. He is actually hot in this show. Even if they forgot his sexy, curly black hair. Just now did I realize I liked his voice here. ...Can I see it again? Cyborg wiping his itchy nose on his arm with green mucus on his arm afterwards is shown, cut back to Reimu with the song still playing Reimu: Yay, yay! COME AT ME, HUSBANDO! I'M GONNA GO AHEAD AND DO IT NOW THINKING OF YOU LISTENING TO THIS SONG! I'm Reimu Hakurei, a miko who remembers it, because you don't! And stay tuned for next time when I lose even more of you! Good NIGHT! Credits, set to the tune "Reimu's Coloring Book." Channel Awesome Tagline -- Cyborg: It's my room. What're you doin' here? Category:Fanfiction Category:Fan works Category:Reimu Series